Monday, May 31, 2010
When people talk about remembering they think it will be so easy to bring up moments in their lives they want to relive and remember, but you know what, it's just not that easy. It's not. I wish to God I could remember everything I ever lived, every day, every second, every minute, someone said something important or unimportant, I want to remember it. Why can't I? Memory doesn't work like that....it shuts out parts of your life, it can shut out moments you didn't want to remember back then....it can twist memories to make it seem one way but it really happened another way. It's funny how sometimes your memory is against you remembering the things you wanted to hold on to the most.
I just wish people could understand how terrible it is not to remember. Not to remember your first kiss, or your best kiss, or your first fight, or the events in your life you wish you could erase...everyone has those moments, but even if they don't like thinking about them, in the end, I think they would want to remember some of it. At least to say they grew stronger because of it.
That's where I come prepared and forewarned. Knowing this, I make it my job to write everything down that I can remember after something happens, that I want to remember. I can't write down everything that happens every minute of the day, but some things that I want to remember for the future, I write down. I know my future self will kill me for saying this, but I don't want to remember EVERYTHING...Playing devil's advocate, who am I to decide what I want to remember or not?? Shouldn't that be up to my memory to decide? What happens if after years and years, what I didn't wish to write down, is what I want to remember.....plan failed. Well.....I never said this was a perfect plan, but it's flaws make it what it is....my plan. I decide what to write or not, what gets kept out or not, what gets "published" for the future or not.
The dream is, when I am 80-90 years old, I want to pick up all those writings I saved, all those memories written down, and read them over, seeing my past, hopefully triggering memories, seeing them in my mind, and remembering them as if they had just happened, or at least vividly enough to enjoy, and to reflect on my life. I want to read them alone, and with others I love around me, sharing my stories, my past and sort of bonding with myself, through the gaps of time. That is the dream....says the dreamer.